Tag Archives: thoughts

​A day out of my diary

13th February 2017

It’s a significant day. Not that I would have remembered otherwise, but since I have nothing better to do recently, I am “analysing and researching” (a very important task, there is a pay attached for some) the rapid rate at which everybody’s profile picture is changing on Facebook. Suddenly the vibe’s “Love is in the air”. Happy couple faces, (kids are out of harm’s way, at granny’s probably) with a background which seems kind of exotic location, or even made to believe snow falling selfie corner.

It makes me think and rethink, and then again think. Is it really true that everybody now has found amour? There goes my inner voice with scorn,” And where the hell were you looking?” Sigh! er…(now here reality has a knack of striking hard, killing all ideas of romanticism. Watch how)..er… and also travel money for those picture perfect backgrounds, an alternate to a dental whitening session (has to be an alternate to dentist visit), a budget friendly evening wear rental website, which makes sense-really! Where do you wear those clothes again, unless you are invited to red carpets every fortnight! Lucky you, you [bleep]!!!

Ah! Now you see where my problem is? Its tough not to be skeptical, when you have been posing single in pictures for almost half of your life! Okay I may be exaggerating here, but lie I shall not. That train of thought above will need some work alright, but I have a deadline to meet which is tomorrow.

Well I say, give me a gorgeous looking man, with an alluring smile, a cleft or dimple would be just fine, fierce jaw line like Donatello just chiseled away, eyes that hypnotize-color no bar, a few inches taller than me when my heels are on (actually nevermind can Photoshop that. Hush now, it will be a secret), clothes that speak the language of elegance and green rolled into one. That should do. Hmnn not bad eh!
So then I can update my profile picture with him by my side, yes in that 3/4 angle holding in a never-ever-will-I-leave-you grip (I need to breathe thank you), my “Truly, Madly, Deeply” melting eyes look (I will work on it “I Swear”) and join the bandwagon on the 14th February Valentine’s day.

They say, celebrate the little joys in Life. Well, I do too. I really do!

Happy valentine’s day everyone and may yours trend in the romantic profile picture award of the year, after mine tops it 🙂

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I am me

I was not prepared.
when he raised his voice to silence mine
I was not prepared
when he wanted to own and strip me of my being, but not walk with me
I was not prepared
when he fantasied me in his world but changed his path before the bend ahead and walked into her world
I was not prepared
when he showed up naked, but wanted me to be nude
I was not prepared
when I was told I am safe here but then he touched as if he just could
I was not prepared
when he unknowingly sucked out my spark, simply wishing I would somewhere ignite his art
I was not prepared
when my beliefs crumbled, but I showed strength to keep his identity safe.

He asks me why…
why I don’t have faith
why I don’t have trust
why I don’t respect him
why I don’t tell my story
why I don’t cry as such
why I don’t laugh as much
why I don’t meet him that much
why I am alone

I tell him, I am who I am
I am prepared now
I am prepared to walk alone
I am prepared to trust my own
I am prepared to smile and laugh
I am prepared to invite that little tear which is now a dew drop
I am prepared now, which is why I am not who you think I am.

I am me. Now free.

Notes to Self

1. Careful. Be very careful. But do it right.
2. Face the music if you must but don’t be unethical even if asked to.
3. When you are told, you will be taken care of, do not believe. You don’t need to be taken care of.
4. Realize that the one you are battling against is just a puppet and an illusion created to misguide you. The real director is behind the curtains, pulling the strings.
5. Be strong.
6. Fight for what is right. Be equipped with the facts. They are your only saving grace.
7. Even if you are pointed a finger at, do not back out. You have survived and you will survive.
8. Remember what you wanted to do. Keep remembering that.
9. It may take you months to realize the truth. Nevertheless keep searching.
10. Take support. You will find it from unexpected places. Take it.
11. Thank them always. Be grateful.
12. Don’t give up without even trying.
13. Don’t be in the shadows for too long. Soak in the sunlight.
14. Keep being accountable for what you do, because you and only you are in charge and no one else.
15. Do whatever it takes to get it right.
16. Carry on the strong sense of responsibility. What else would you do anyways?
17. Learn to keep smiling at all times.
18. Remain happy.
19. Your family should come first after yourself.
20. Take care. Now smile again!

Therapy Central

I wonder if  nicotine withdrawal symptoms appear after you have quit successfully for more 5 months. Coz what I am going through now, sure does feel like that and much more. I am trying to rack my memory for how I handled tough times “before” the addiction. Sigh! Sorry low bandwidth it says.

Probably it is THE season. I know  handful of people who are in this same zone. The do-not-rub-it-in-else-I-will-strangle-you-for-any-thing-which-may-or-may-not-be-your-fault. If at all there is a zone. Retail therapy-tried. burned a hole in my pocket. Self pep up talks-tried. saw more of myself in the mirror. Friend suggested Vipassana. I know I will run away from there, or flood the entire centre with tears (heard that is what people do while they are at that). This weekend is friend+happy hours therapy. If this does not work! I dunno what will.

But then I always say, this too shall pass {and like how many years ago did you say that? asks the devil in my voice} shift-alt-del the voice. Fight I shall! Or as gaizabonts says I’d Like to be Monk Someday.