Tag Archives: love

Words

There are some words, just thrown out in the universe for anyone to pick. You are probably the only witness to the exact minute they are out and they coincide with what you had been struggling to come to terms in all those hours that went by. Those words punch into your solar plexus, leaving you gasping for breath. You want more air, more strength to withstand the impact, while you shiver with anticipation needing an end to the misery, if at all there is a cure. A feeble thought comes to your mind, they were meant for you and just you, always you. That feeling surpasses everything that held your composure, its so strong that for a minute you are ready to throw all caution to the wind, only just to own the words.

Except that time helps you pass through this feeling while your mind wins the battle with your heart with the first light of dawn. They are after all just words, it says.

​A day out of my diary

13th February 2017

It’s a significant day. Not that I would have remembered otherwise, but since I have nothing better to do recently, I am “analysing and researching” (a very important task, there is a pay attached for some) the rapid rate at which everybody’s profile picture is changing on Facebook. Suddenly the vibe’s “Love is in the air”. Happy couple faces, (kids are out of harm’s way, at granny’s probably) with a background which seems kind of exotic location, or even made to believe snow falling selfie corner.

It makes me think and rethink, and then again think. Is it really true that everybody now has found amour? There goes my inner voice with scorn,” And where the hell were you looking?” Sigh! er…(now here reality has a knack of striking hard, killing all ideas of romanticism. Watch how)..er… and also travel money for those picture perfect backgrounds, an alternate to a dental whitening session (has to be an alternate to dentist visit), a budget friendly evening wear rental website, which makes sense-really! Where do you wear those clothes again, unless you are invited to red carpets every fortnight! Lucky you, you [bleep]!!!

Ah! Now you see where my problem is? Its tough not to be skeptical, when you have been posing single in pictures for almost half of your life! Okay I may be exaggerating here, but lie I shall not. That train of thought above will need some work alright, but I have a deadline to meet which is tomorrow.

Well I say, give me a gorgeous looking man, with an alluring smile, a cleft or dimple would be just fine, fierce jaw line like Donatello just chiseled away, eyes that hypnotize-color no bar, a few inches taller than me when my heels are on (actually nevermind can Photoshop that. Hush now, it will be a secret), clothes that speak the language of elegance and green rolled into one. That should do. Hmnn not bad eh!
So then I can update my profile picture with him by my side, yes in that 3/4 angle holding in a never-ever-will-I-leave-you grip (I need to breathe thank you), my “Truly, Madly, Deeply” melting eyes look (I will work on it “I Swear”) and join the bandwagon on the 14th February Valentine’s day.

They say, celebrate the little joys in Life. Well, I do too. I really do!

Happy valentine’s day everyone and may yours trend in the romantic profile picture award of the year, after mine tops it 🙂

Ira and Irfan

Ira tried to find her way on the crowded footpath. The men were in tight embrace greeting each other, children ran amok. The little boys in crochet topi’s and little girls in their colorful sequined shalwar qameez looked adorable.
Ira wrapped around her flyaway saree pallu by her left hand. The right hand was free to find her way out to the main street and stop the crowd from dashing against her as she rushed past everyone busy in celebrations. There were a lot of random thoughts going through her head. What was she thinking by agreeing for this meeting on a holiday? And that too at Mahim on Eid!…Hope the hair bun stays till the meeting gets over… Is the pallu too long?…Thank god it’s not raining today, else the tussar silk would have clung as second skin. Well and that would have been a sight! The buds in the tight gajra on the loose hair bun will bloom fully by dusk. It was a last minute addition. The smile was back on her face.

He saw her briskly but gracefully walking, deep in thought, but aware of the surroundings. A slight smile curved the corners of her delicately colored lips. Her light kajalled eyes looked straight into his. Without losing her gaze he walked closer towards her. Recognition and surprise lit her eyes more and she smiled brightly, which skipped a beat in his heart. He felt he was short of breath.

Ira stopped in her step, as though she had seen a vision in white. He looked absolutely stunning in crisp pressed white kurta. He stood in front of her and she forgot where she was. She blurted out. “What a pleasant surprise to see you. Eid Mubarak Irfan!” She stretched out her hand to wish him and he clasped hers in both his hands. “Thank you Ira” he smiled at her.” And what are you doing here?” ” Visiting a client’s place” she said. He was totally surprised,” Today? It’s a holiday Ira. Don’t you ever rest?” “I hardly have a choice. But I love what I do, so here I am. And I got to meet and wish you too” she smiled.

Before Irfan could say anything, Ira’s face was against his chest, clutching his shoulder with another hand. She gave out a loud painful cry. Few youngsters carrying a large table over their head, had pushed against her hitting her shoulder blade and back. The impact was such that she fell right into his arms. Irfan looked into her upturned face and saw the pain in her eyes.

The next instance he held her back and started moving towards those guys. “No Irfan! Please don’t! It was an accident. Let it go.” He looked at her. Her eyes were glistening with tears. She looked visibly shaken and scared. Irfan controlled his emotions and moved two steps near her. Her hand was still tightly holding on to his arm. Her left hand was clutching his kurta where a crease had now formed. There was now a slight pink color, where her lips had brushed against his tunic. He never thought Ira would be hassled ever or scared of anything in her life. During all the times they met for their business meetings, she always carried a devil may care attitude and a poise of great courage for a woman. But this Ira standing before him, was almost like a vulnerable young girl. Irfan realized he had overreacted, and tried to calm himself and her. He put his protective hand around her shoulder and led her away from the center of the crowd.

“Are you okay now? Did you get hurt? Do you want to sit down before you go for your meeting?” She relaxed. How is it possible that the same person can invoke a feeling of fear, and calm down your nerves in a span of few minutes?

“Yes I am better now. Thank you. I don’t know how I could have managed without your help. I did not anticipate so many men out on the streets celebrating.” She turned her head up and smiled at him. He smiled back tentatively. After a pause he asked her, “What time will your meeting get over? She said, ” In an hour”.

They walked towards Oscar Heights. Ira again wished him, they said their goodbyes and she went into the building. Irfan waited till she reached inside and then turned to leave.

The meeting was postponed by 30 mins. Mr Mirchandani, himself had gone to Crawford market to collect some samples.

An hour and a half later, when the meeting was over, she walked out happy and loaded with bags of samples. Her team will be thrilled on Monday, when she displays them her day’s work. They had very less time to complete the concept. This was a big jackpot. If she plans well, the entire project will win her company crores. The sun was peeking from behind the clouds. Ira brushed her strand of hair behind her ear and shielded her eyes. And then she saw him. Irfan was leaning against a car and had changed into a formal white shirt and slate grey trousers.

“Hi again! What are you doing here?” She was pleasantly surprised. “I came to invite you to our home. I stay nearby, and I insist you visit us on this occasion” he said. “Oh! I would love to really. But some other time perhaps. I have a lot of stuff to carry back and don’t want to be late”.

“I will take care of the stuff”, saying that he took the bags from her, opened the car door and put them on the back seat. “There! All done. Now if you please,” he guided her, holding her elbow, towards the passenger door and opened it for her, ” come and grace my home with your presence, I will be obliged”. She laughed while getting into the car, the sun shining in her eyes, making them even brighter. Was she always this beautiful, Irfan thought closing the door behind her.

“Amma, this is Ira, she is working with my partner on one of our projects. I happened to meet her after the namaaz, so I invited her over.”

Ira bowed respectfully, “Salaam! Eid Mubarak!” Irfan’s ammi, held Ira to her bosom, “Walekum as salaam beta! Eid Mubarak! And what tehzeeb. Ayra! Mashallah! What a lovely name. Were you at the masjid to offer Salat?” Before she could fire away more questions, Irfan cut in. He turned her around and walked with her towards the kitchen , ” Ammi jaan its Ira not Ayra. And she is a Hindu. She came here to meet a client and not for the salat. Now would you offer her some sweet please?And I am terribly famished as well. The aroma is making me all the more hungry.” “Oh yes yes…of course beta. I was just lost in some thought. Please sit dear Ira and welcome”. Ammi hastened inside and got a tray full with Biryani, kebabs and phirni.

By the time the dawaat got over and guests started leaving, it was 5 in the evening.The lift stopped on the 3rd floor. Irfan moved towards the door and looked at Ira. ” I have to pick up something from my flat. That”, gesturing upwards ” was my parents house”. He opened the door and welcomed Ira. She was hesitant. Today was a day full of emotional turmoil. Irfan disappeared in the inside room and minutes later called out to Ira. She went in the bedroom. It was spick and span. He asked her to look into the mirror on the dressing table. He held another mirror behind her back so she could look at the reflection. On her back, she saw a bluish black bruising on her skin at the edge of her blouse. She reached behind to touch the spot and suddenly remembered the incident. This was where the table must have hit her hard. No wonder she was in pain then. Irfan quietly kept the mirror and picked up an ointment. Without saying another word, started applying the cream on her bruise in light circular motion. Ira could feel the heat from his body very close to her. His mint fresh breath was teasing the loose strands of hair on the nape of her neck. He inhaled deeply,” The flowers in your gajra. What are these?” ” Chameli” she replied. ” Do you like it?” After another long breath, he said, “Yes”.

Her face looked flushed. Ira turned around and hugged Irfan tightly burying her face in his shirt, saying a silent thank you. He held on to her. Then very slowly Irfan moved his hand to her chin and turned her face towards him. He held her face looking at her for a long time, then lowered his head and kissed her on her forehead. Ira opened her mouth to say something, but words lost her. Irfan cupped her cheek, looked at her for some more time, turned and left the room. He picked up her bags and then dropped her at the nearest taxi stand. He took down the taxi number and instructed the driver with some rules, which she did not follow, ensuring her safety.

Irfan came back home very restless. He could not explain what he felt for her and why. The day’s events left him deep in thought. He went straight to his bedroom to lie down. A quick nap should straighten his mind. Suddenly he sensed Ira was still around. He could smell the heady, musky, sweet fragrance from flowers. On his dressing table, Ira had left the chameli gajra. She left a little of herself for him.

In Quest of

And he said I have issues.

What went wrong?
How can it be corrected?
What did I not do?
Did I misinterpret?
Did you misunderstand?
Where should have we stopped?
Are you true to your core?
What is your core?
Do I see it?
Do I even know you now?
Do you remember at all?
What are my values?
What are yours?
Do we need those?

I stayed by the values, but not for long. You helped me undo from those retricting cords. I glorified in the moments. Set myself free. Expressed myself openly.

Then it happened. I discarded and gave myself. Faced rejection in my face. Looks at me in the eye. He says he loves her. I say I understand. Why did I say that? What do I understand? What should I understand?

I am dealing with it.
Hiding from it. Hiding from all those who probe, and want to see it, be a part of it.
Seeing eyes, where there are none.
Hoping for hopes sake where there seems none.

Where do you find it? Does it even exist in reality? Was that a blessing in disguise? Why do you feel pain; because there is expectation? And how do you give a part of yourself away, but stay grounded? Where do you cling on to? What are your roots? Does all this end up in what should be and shouldn’t be?

What bout purity of thought? Being nude in own eyes, I find I still love myself. I still want all this. I may pursue finding the truth again. Someday hurt will tire out and leave my side. I will see you there, at that next junction. Only to see one path ahead and no more choices!

Yes I have issues, with Trust. Because I have no answers to my own questions. I am back here in my shell. On track as before as if nothing happened. Safe and protected until I find myself.

Destiny’s Child

Funny I find myself writing about this when just three weeks ago I posted about being in love. Where am I ? Where do I want to be? Do I have it in me to take this forward? I have an answer to the last question. Yes I can take it forward, provided I know where I stand and my basic needs of stability and security, (read emotional) are met.

May be if I work at it from backwards I would know where I am better. I picture myself in a happy, contented state of mind, doing what I want to do and sharing all that I have with my loved ones. I travel, I laugh, I share my anxieties, I love in abundance and in return am loved, I feel wanted and desired. I paint, I build, I create, I nurture and I heal. I have company, I have my friends, I make new friends. I am not questioned; am supported I make my own rules. I am radiant and I pass it on to whoever I hold dear. I am humble. I will water this thought daily. It will blossom into something more beautiful which will put my imagination to shame. Yes I know for now I am loved and I have so much to offer freely. A divine power will bring me to it wherever I am meant to be.

Now is not the time for wishes. I have what I wished for and to have something more will manifest through my dreams.

Amen!

Of Love

Sometimes more than being in love, the thought of falling in love is refreshing. I find myself transported to another world, while experiencing the vividness in emotions, ghazal’s manage to evoke.

As the simplicity and fragrance as in these verses:

Aapakaa Saath-Saath Phoolon Ka
Your presence is like flowers in blossom.
Aapaki Baat, Baat Phoolon Ki
Your voice carries the purity and delicacy of the flowers
Phir Chhidi Raat, Baat Phoolon Ki
Tonight we gently drift deliberately towards expressing the flowers
Raat Hai Yaa Baaraat Phoolon Ki
Tonight seems as if we are involved in procession of flowers

OR the sincerity and profound yearning of the admirer:

Saamane aa ke jara parda utha de rukh se
Come and unveil yourself before me
Ik yahi mera ilaaje game tanhayi hai
which is the only cure to my solitude
Teri furkat ne pareshaan kiya hai mujhko
I am in anguish in your absence
Abb toh mil ja ke meri jaan pe ban aayi hai
Oh please come now for it’s a matter of my life and death

How will anyone refuse to acknowledge or reciprocate, when the yearning for her love, in the wake of separation is so passionate?

Another classic form of the emotional condition is from here. You have no control over your memories and thoughts towards your beloved:

surkh phulon se mahak uthati hain dil ki rahen
Ruby red flowers pave a path to my heart
din dhale yun teri aawaz bulaati hai hamen
at dusk your voice calls out to me
yaad teri kabhi dastak kabhi saragoshi se
The memory of you sometimes knocks loudly, sometimes whispers
raat ke pichhale prahar roz jagaati hai hamen
every day, I am awakened when the night reaches its last watch, in your thoughts.

I may not do justice to the entire ghazal by picking out a few verses, but that is the beauty of a ghazal. It retains its sense even if removed or detached from the poem.

You can listen to the whole experience here, in that order.
Phir Chhidi Raat Baat Phoolon Ki – Talat Aziz, Lata Mangeshkar
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=meif1oIfJ5o
Mere Mehboob – Mohamed Rafi
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kJ3DwFWhQuE
Zindagi Jab Bhi Teri Bazm Mein – Talat Aziz
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=82tyHLrjuBo