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Infrired

July 10, 2017

It was a perfectly normal afternoon on a normal day and it also happened to be my birthday. A co-incidence? I would like to think so, yes. The sun was shining, when it should have been raining. But that was what was normal. On such a day, which could have been a better day, if not for what follows, she stares into space with a faraway look and almost whispers. It could have been a booming loud voice, but my memory chose to remember it as whisper.

She: Mom, I am going to stay in a live in relationship.

Milli seconds later there was just a sound of silence. My mind went into an analytical mode and knew this was payback time for all the times I may have troubled my parents. Did I miss my chance for atonement? Right here right now, in this birth you pay. My ears started hearing dramatic background scores from horror movies with glass crashing to the floor. I held tightly on to the steel bottle in my hand, least I dropped that.
She: Mom, I am going to stay in a live in relationship.
Me: (attempting to be funny)What? Here? In this house?
She exasperated: Not now Ma! When I grow up.
Me: Wait! Are you saying you are not grownup? (Forgetting the actual issue and caught on the only word that made sense now) As a grownup…
She: Do you want me to have a relationship now?
Me: No. But since you yourself  said you are grownup…which means you should be thinking about being responsible…
She: (quickly cutting short my weekly special “talk”) I meant when I grow up even more than what I am now.
Me: (Awww my little baby…) So why did you bring up this whim now?
She: See this friend of mine in this photo? Got married secretly yesterday and none of us were aware. Their parents gave in and got them married officially. She will continue with her studies.
Me: (beads of sweat forming on forehead) Okaayyyy… That’s the right thing to do though. What do you think?
She: Nothing. It’s cool
Me: (Damn right its cool!) So then what has this got to do with you in a live in?
She: Do you want me to surprise you then? I thought it is better to let you know what I am thinking.
Me: Oh thank you for considering! I would like to tell you what I am thinking, and that is (smiling sweetly) NO!
She: Why not?
Me: Because today is not the time to discuss a live in relationship?
She: So then I can have a relationship but not a live in?
Me: (quick, my senses, tell me what the right answer is) I will do a background check on the guy and then give my approval.
She: (Laughing) it doesn’t work that way Mom. It’s not marriage we are talking about here.
Me: (finding a safe exit point) End of the conversation girl. And No to live in relationship for you!
I know it doesn’t work that way. But I am still a parent a friend most of the times, who can’t help but be protective, which is when the “society pressure tool “ is brought out, in spite of not wanting to do so.

If ever there were a universal manual with FAQ’s for parents of all kinds, on how to answer the most difficult questions or statements from your “grownup” children, like a pro, that manual would need a new edition every 2 years from the look of it.

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Words

There are some words, just thrown out in the universe for anyone to pick. You are probably the only witness to the exact minute they are out and they coincide with what you had been struggling to come to terms in all those hours that went by. Those words punch into your solar plexus, leaving you gasping for breath. You want more air, more strength to withstand the impact, while you shiver with anticipation needing an end to the misery, if at all there is a cure. A feeble thought comes to your mind, they were meant for you and just you, always you. That feeling surpasses everything that held your composure, its so strong that for a minute you are ready to throw all caution to the wind, only just to own the words.

Except that time helps you pass through this feeling while your mind wins the battle with your heart with the first light of dawn. They are after all just words, it says.

In Quest of

And he said I have issues.

What went wrong?
How can it be corrected?
What did I not do?
Did I misinterpret?
Did you misunderstand?
Where should have we stopped?
Are you true to your core?
What is your core?
Do I see it?
Do I even know you now?
Do you remember at all?
What are my values?
What are yours?
Do we need those?

I stayed by the values, but not for long. You helped me undo from those retricting cords. I glorified in the moments. Set myself free. Expressed myself openly.

Then it happened. I discarded and gave myself. Faced rejection in my face. Looks at me in the eye. He says he loves her. I say I understand. Why did I say that? What do I understand? What should I understand?

I am dealing with it.
Hiding from it. Hiding from all those who probe, and want to see it, be a part of it.
Seeing eyes, where there are none.
Hoping for hopes sake where there seems none.

Where do you find it? Does it even exist in reality? Was that a blessing in disguise? Why do you feel pain; because there is expectation? And how do you give a part of yourself away, but stay grounded? Where do you cling on to? What are your roots? Does all this end up in what should be and shouldn’t be?

What bout purity of thought? Being nude in own eyes, I find I still love myself. I still want all this. I may pursue finding the truth again. Someday hurt will tire out and leave my side. I will see you there, at that next junction. Only to see one path ahead and no more choices!

Yes I have issues, with Trust. Because I have no answers to my own questions. I am back here in my shell. On track as before as if nothing happened. Safe and protected until I find myself.